Conflict often begins not because you want it to, but because things go differently than you expect. Perhaps you are tremendously upset about how someone is acting. You are no longer on the same page. The situation escalates. If for one moment you don’t pay attention and you don’t engage in time in an honest conversation about what you don’t like, the trust in each other seeps away and things no longer add up. While the intention on both sides was certainly there to create something beautiful together. I have seen this kind of story in many mediations.
When tensions run high and there is no workable situation anymore, it helps to call in a professional. As a mediator, I help parties to get back into the conversation in a structured and safe setting. Talking with each other can be quite stressful because feelings about each other and the situation have been built up on both sides, and suddenly you are talking about this with an unfamiliar mediator. That is why I believe that a personal intake with all parties is essential. Because who am I as a mediator and what can you expect from me and the process? What are we all going to talk about and can this not be used against you?
The trust is damaged, and one often feels not seen or heard. Everyone’s pain and the consequences of the conflict are very much felt. It is precisely the impartiality of the mediator that can finally ensure that safe place where everyone’s story and the accompanying emotions can be shared. To finally identify where things went wrong and what feelings arose in the process. Only from there can we begin to explore together what interests and desires everyone has toward the future and which durable solutions go with them.
None of this is easy to do. A sense of security and agreements about the conditions under which we will conduct the conversation are essential. That is why we always agree on basic rules with each other, including confidentiality about what is shared and the way we communicate. We also agree on the commitment to listen to each other and to try to find a solution together. Getting to a solution is always a puzzle, but in the end you collectively pursue a situation that gives everyone a better outcome than the current one. From the (relative) openness that slowly re-emerges during the conversation, we examine whether there is anything left to recover or whether you will part ways with a sense of dignity.
